The hardest job in the world.

WHEN PEOPLE SAY IT’S HARD BEING A MOM, THEY AREN’T BEING ENTIRELY TRUTHFUL.  What they should really say is that it’s trying, demanding and lonely.  The “age of the toddler” are always trying you, but it’s what they do, it’s what they are supposed to do.  It is demanding not only on your time, but on your mind and body, so you feel like your going crazy repeating yourself over and over, as well as your whole anatomy is falling apart.  It is lonely because I think after you have kids you realize the number of your friends dwindles down to a surprising number.  Things just change, you change, your friends may change, or they may not and therein lies the problem.  After I had the babies, my everything changed, including my manners, my attention span, and my tolerance for bullshit.

THE HARDEST PART I think is feeling like I am alone even though am married and I have two little ones with me at all times.  I mean at all times… to get a glass of water, to go to the bathroom, I look over and my two little trolls are always there.  My husband on the other hand works really hard, sacrificing his passions at the moment, and that just that fills my heart with love and sadness.  I am grateful I am on this journey with him because I can’t imagine doing it without him, and even though we don’t see each other much he still makes me laugh and angry within a minute of conversation.  Now thats special!

WHEN YOU BECOME A MOM you become invisible to the outside world, unless your blessed enough to have someone who calls YOU a friend and keeps YOU in the front of their mind even though you have nothing to offer at the moment.  Because when your a mom everything you have to give is to your children who gave you the most important gift, your purpose.  If you have a friend that is able to know their place in your new life and still want you around… well, those are the friends you know you will keep in the front of YOUR mind when you are able to offer more.  Thank you God for this eye opener.

 

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My sweet Eva.

My sweet Eva.

I can’t promise that this surgery will be your last, as a matter of fact I know it won’t be.  You will need to have another one on your heart sometime when you are a young woman, that is if your heart doesn’t tell us that it needs to be intervened sooner.  Until then we will be focused on staying on top of every doctor/specialist appointments.  Yes my love, other girls that have turners syndrome have no signs or symptoms of it, but don’t forget that some girls won’t be able to take their first breath and you did, but it came with a price.  Some girls fight to have a better body, you fight to keep yours.  Some girls fight to not have their hearts broken, you fight to keep yours beating.  You have had to fight harder than most to live so don’t ever take that for granted.  After this surgery you will have another battle scar so wear it with pride because some girls care more about not having an imperfection but your “imperfections” perfect you.

Don’t loose that fire in your spirit that drives your mommy, daddy and brother crazy.  We know that same fire is the reason we have you today.  Don’t loose that funny laugh that forces you to tuck your chin in because we know you deserve to laugh after everything you have gone through.  Don’t loose that sweet smile because you light up our days knowing you are with us and you didn’t have to be.  God put us all together because He knew we needed each other, and we go through all these hardships because He knows we need Him, we always will.  You are never alone my love.

My sweet love, you were born with turners syndrome, but that is not who you are.  You are not a syndrome, you are not fragile, you are not a sad story.  What you are my sweet love, is a Devereux.  You are a warrior.  You are unbreakable.  You are solid and you are made with the unyielding love of our Father Lord Jesus.

Where did the time go?

As I get older I start to understand that my parents weren’t perfect, aren’t perfect nor will they ever be perfect.  I have accepted that they weren’t perfect already, my childhood and attitude could have told you that.  But I wasn’t prepared to realize that they still aren’t perfect and the mistakes they made when I was a child are still mistakes they continue because this is who they are.  So that leaves me with the question, will they ever be perfect or will they ever try to make right all of their wrongs?  Is it too late?  Probably, but now that I have my own family I want to learn from their wrongdoings and give my children much more than I ever had.

All of these thoughts have come to me now that I am 32 trying to play catch up with school and trying to give my children an example of how important it is to have an education.  I left school in the 10th grade because I had no direction or desire to complete it.   I had no idea that I was able to make only A’s (and one damn B) in college, but this is because the D’s and F’s would follow me through high school because you have to be in class, and study to make anything more.  My kids have to know that if they don’t go to college after high school, life will grab hold of them and make it that much harder to go back.  I will remind them that going to school now as a wife, and a mother is no luxury.  They will know I studied while they napped, and slept at night.  I will let them know that I never studied while they were awake because I enjoyed every single waking second with them.

What do I do now?  Nursing school was my dream but now I feel like my body is falling apart and I question if this is still the path for me?  Now that I have finally found my calling I am having back issues, wrist issues and anxiety.  Who knows what God will put in my life but I do know one thing.  I will not stay stagnate and conform to a life that does not sit well with me.  I will live up to my potential… Yes, I am a decade behind, but better late than never right?