Sometimes it is OK to cry… in the shower.

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I knew I needed a photo of today of just us, my love.

As I took a shower tonight I had to remind myself that it was ok to cry before I actually did.  I should start by saying it was a long day, and if you want to include from the start of my concern for Eidan, then we can say its been a long month.

To begin, by niece has type 1 diabetes so it has been in my life for 17 years now, so when Eidan started peeing more than usual at night in bed, I started to worry.  He has been waking up in the morning with the front of his shirt, his pants, and his bed soaked with pee.  His tantrums  also seem to come to a complete stop when I give him something to drink, telling me that he is more thirsty than normal so I made an appointment with the doctor a few weeks ago, but then I cancelled it because I thought I may have been reading into it too much.

More recently, my mom and my husband got to see and feel what I was talking about and they concluded that yes, it was a considerable amount.  So today was the actual doctors appointment and as soon as we got into the room he was fighting everyone for the first hour of vitals (including the blood work and placement of the pee bag).  The second hour he would only sit in my lap and watch videos on my phone, while we waited for him to pee in the bag.  The third hour was us walking around in the green grass trying to initiate the pee that we had been waiting for, for three hours already until it finally came.  The whole morning I was nauseous at the thought anything being wrong with my son, and by the end of the appointment, I was hungry and I had to get home to feed Eva through her g-tube, and make something for Eidan.

When we got home I got some confusing results from the nurse… first, his blood sugars from his urine was a bit high, but after I mentioned that he had just ate right before he peed in the bag, so that number was ok, then I got another call telling me that he needed to see a endocrine specialist, on top of the urology doctor because they were just a little concerned with another number (I can’t recall the name because I was in a daze because I though he was just cleared).

I can’t exactly express how I feel because I don’t know how to feel, other than I was prepared for Eva’s issues but I can’t say I am prepared for this… I don’t even know if this is a “this” yet.  But I can tell you that after my shower and my long cry I felt absolutely chosen for these two children.  Despite any more bumps in the road that we may have, no matter how many more shower cries I have from now on (whether this situation is a problem or not), I don’t care how “hard” my life may be, I can say one thing for sure… I can’t do shit without God, period.