I had an abortion. That never gets easier to say and it never will. I had an abortion long before finding out that I had a uterus that would not allow me to carry any child over the first trimester. I found out this somber news in North Carolina after having a total of 3 miscarriages. I made a choice to terminate a pregnancy that would have ultimately terminated itself. That is a hard pill to swallow.
Was God angry at me? Was this punishment for my abortion? Those were the thoughts I had after every miscarriage. Every time we told people we were pregnant, we soon after had to tell them that we had a miscarriage. Holy crap, the look of pity from the army wives that heard from the grapevine was just terrible. It was almost embarrassing for me sometimes because I felt like I am a woman, I should be able to do this but I couldn’t do the one thing women are supposed to do.
I still don’t think I am completely over it. The last miscarriage I had was right before Josh deployed and I suffered in silence. I was so far away from my family and friends, but because of the distance I felt like they didn’t know me anymore, hell I didn’t know myself. The one person I wanted or could talk to was on a dangerous deployment and I was so scared that I prepared myself (as much as I could) for him not coming home. I was in a miserable place that a piece of me still lives in.
The surgery (uterine septum removal) that was September 2013 (one year exactly before the babies were born) allowed me to get pregnant after all of these heart breaking miscarriages. It basically removed a large septum in my uterus that did not allow the babies to grow and receive the nutrients they needed to survive. The doctor mentioned that it was one of the largest he had ever seen (of course it was). When I got out of anesthesia I told the doctor he was my best friend and when he told me my husband was there and that my husband was my best friend, I cried. I also woke up in the middle of the procedure and told the nurse that I would do her makeup. Anesthesia is such a strange medication.
It is still very hard to accept that blood on my hands but it is there no matter how many times I wash it. After having my babies I make it a point to inform women that it is a decision that will more than likely follow you for the rest of your life. It is something that can’t be taken back and that child cannot be replaced. I realized after having my babies that my babies were my babies from time of conception until the day I die.
I would say that this picture sums up my whole experience as an army wife, right there on my face. It was rough and I applaud every woman out there that has experienced this life because it is hard, lonely, infuriating, frightening, and exciting all in one. I was never able to remember his company, unit, squad, brigade… all of the above. I was judged by some for my lack of interest in all of this but all I knew was that my husband was much more than just the army. This was not long term for us and the more involved I was I felt the more stuck I was in a lifestyle that didn’t suit me. But I stuck it out for the love of my life and I am so happy I did. We grew stronger and stronger every day, every 14 hour working day.
In our 4 years in the army I…
Moved to North Carolina,
Lived in a motel for months with my new husband with whom I never lived with before,
Got my GED (at 29) after leaving high school in 10th grade,
Got rehired at MAC,
Went to college and figured out I’m a lot smarter than I once thought,
Often waited next to our window thinking that someone was going to knock on our door and tell me my husband was not coming home, while he was deployed,
Had corrective surgery on my uterus because of multiple miscarriages,
Got pregnant with twins,
Found out our daughter had turners syndrome.
It was very challenging for the both of us and it is easy to see why the divorce rate is high in the army. It was a difficult time for even us, best friends turned husband and wife, but I met some people that I will never forget. Some I talk to once in a while, some I never talk to anymore but every single one of them will stay with me for the rest of my life and I pray I was able to make an impact on them as well.
I met my husband October of 2007 at a bar, at the time it was called 1415 and the name has changed since. My way of flirting when we first met is my husbands favorite story to tell. In a nut shell I am aggressive…. thats just who I am…. I told him to get in my car and I would take him to the next bar that everyone was going to. He declined, we met up at the other bar and his was of flirting was sitting on my lap. I like to think we are even.
Fast forward to our first date… at a Vietnamese restaurant that has since burned down, was at the middle of the night, where we got to know each other better. At first he seemed way to immature for me but soon after I KNEW he was the one. He is the best man I have ever met in my life. Patient, honest (sometimes way too much), tough as heck, gentle as a dove. I don’t mean to be mushy but I am truly undeserving of him. Anyone that knows me will tell you I am impatient, annoying, pushy and even more honest than him, but these are all things I’m working on.
So he joined the army 2010, we got married that December and moved to Fort Bragg soon after (I will get in depth of that part of my life at another time so stay focused). We suffered two miscarriages, a deployment, a surgery to correct my uterus, found out we were expecting soon after, then found out we were expecting twins, and yet again, soon after that found out that there was a problem with one of the babies. I refused to give birth in North Carolina so we moved back to our home town, to the great land of Houston, Texas July 2014. Through it all I feel our lives were not complete until the babies were born. Then I finally found the purpose of my life and thank God I did.