You know, I’ve thought about writing again for sometime but I finally prioritized some time for this. I have been needing to express what’s in my soul to help me release the stuff that has made me feel like I am drowning above water.
To start, life has always kept me on my toes. I don’t say this as a negative, in fact I am grateful that I have never been able to get to comfortable because I don’t feel like we grow unless we are in uncomfortable situations. I am proud of being able to get up time and time again, against all odds, in order to do more for me and my kids. I am proud that I have been able to grow on a personal level so much so that I do not even recognize myself anymore. I suppose that happens as you get older, and to be able to grow is something that many people were simply never given the opportunity to experience.
After having some brutal moments in life surrounding the “what’s to come” of the health of my daughter, I find myself once again being dragged down by this overwhelming feeling of what if its time. What if it’s time to have to once again hand my very vibrant and overwhelmingly charming daughter to surgeons that will have to cut open her chest in order to help her live longer. The irony in that is just insane. What if it’s time to sit in a room with her and advocate against the people who know what’s best, medically speaking, when I know what’s best for her from previous experiences in a hospital setting. That is a balancing act in itself. I know she is full of surprises in a healthy setting, and she is no different in the hospital setting. Her body knows how to throw in a wrench to complicate and perplex the hospital staff, but perhaps that’s what just makes the recovery that much sweeter.
You know I can always see the glass half full in every situation, and that is something I think God has truly gifted me with, but one thing I can’t seem to see the positive in, is the fact that I am tired. I am so tired of realizing that He chose me to be the one to hold people up against others and even themselves but I have been left alone through this process for years. It could be that it is because I push people away, it could be that I have gotten so comfortable with fighting alone that the thought of leaning on someone else is too risky. But regardless, I will press on, and I will continue to fight for us because that is what I am called to do.
Whether it is time for surgery or not, I find myself processing the things that are to come if it is time. The only catch is that the twins are older and there are more things to consider. There are the thoughts of having a hospital bag and what I always need for our stay there for an unknown amount of time, there are the mental preparations I have to prepare for the release of her physical body into their God willing sturdy hands, there is the thoughts of the how she will look like after and the medications, central lines and such. There is the careful, close eye on the 24, 48, 72 hr mark that haunts me. There are the things I have to push for to prevent complications that she’s already experienced, including DVT’s, issues with sedation and c-diff. There will be the preparation of keeping Eidan in the loop of why his sister/best friend and mom isn’t home with him for sometime but helping him understand that he is still important and not abandoned. There is the inevitable fighting and arguing with others who will never be able to process things appropriately and trying to keep God in the forefront of my mind through it all.
SO what now? The countdown of three weeks until her next cardiology appointment starts today and the anxiety has already resided so comfortably in my chest that I suppose that’s where it will stay until… until, I am not really sure. So I put on my big girl panties and press forward because not only are there people always watching, and hoping you break, but your kids will learn many valuable skills by watching how we deal with trials. If they can learn to always fight, even if that means alone but with God, then I think that is one of the best things I can teach them because it is not an ability that everyone cares to possess.
pri5cilla 