Between April 1st, the time we posted on Facebook that we were expecting twins, and April 10th of 2014 when we were to go to New York to visit family, we had another doctors appointment that changed our lives. But this time it was the most devastating news any expecting parents could possibly hear, “there’s something wrong with one of them.”
As soon as we heard the news I cried. I cried harder than I ever cried before, I’m sure of it. I was on a cloud with the last doctors visit, but this time I was at an all time low. I was told that one child will not survive the pregnancy (this was the one and only time they mentioned abortion and I remember my husbands reaction to that was as if the doctor told him something offensive… It was never mentioned to us again). Well, we got the same unfortunate news confirmed by another doctor as well as a specialist soon after. In the ultrasound, it showed a very large cystic hygroma on the back of her neck, a cystic hygroma is basically a very large pocket of skin filled with cysts inside. They also saw hydrops around her heart and her abdomen, which is an accumulation of fluid around these areas. They mentioned that she probably had something called Turners Syndrome because of everything the ultrasound showed. They also confirmed we were have a boy and a girl during this time. On paper were blessed with a dream come true but in reality it seemed like we were in a nightmare. Looking back I wish I would have had more faith in my daughter, my pregnancy and my Lord.
For the rest of the pregnancy in North Carolina I followed up closely with the specialist. Josh and I went to every doctors appointment expecting for them to tell us she passed away but that was so far from what actually happened. In fact our last appoint in North Carolina, before I moved back to Houston, the specialist told us in a very surprised voice that our daughters hydrops looked better. He mentioned that if in fact she did make it that she would be the second baby that he had ever seen survive after having such significant issues in utero.
I must mention that after the babies were born, the specialist called me himself to ask about her. I proudly informed him that they were both doing well but it was going to be a long road for her. At that point I had no idea how long and bumpy it was going to be but I am happy that I had such a wonderful team during our pregnancy in North Carolina.
I had an abortion. That never gets easier to say and it never will. I had an abortion long before finding out that I had a uterus that would not allow me to carry any child over the first trimester. I found out this somber news in North Carolina after having a total of 3 miscarriages. I made a choice to terminate a pregnancy that would have ultimately terminated itself. That is a hard pill to swallow.
Was God angry at me? Was this punishment for my abortion? Those were the thoughts I had after every miscarriage. Every time we told people we were pregnant, we soon after had to tell them that we had a miscarriage. Holy crap, the look of pity from the army wives that heard from the grapevine was just terrible. It was almost embarrassing for me sometimes because I felt like I am a woman, I should be able to do this but I couldn’t do the one thing women are supposed to do.
I still don’t think I am completely over it. The last miscarriage I had was right before Josh deployed and I suffered in silence. I was so far away from my family and friends, but because of the distance I felt like they didn’t know me anymore, hell I didn’t know myself. The one person I wanted or could talk to was on a dangerous deployment and I was so scared that I prepared myself (as much as I could) for him not coming home. I was in a miserable place that a piece of me still lives in.
The surgery (uterine septum removal) that was September 2013 (one year exactly before the babies were born) allowed me to get pregnant after all of these heart breaking miscarriages. It basically removed a large septum in my uterus that did not allow the babies to grow and receive the nutrients they needed to survive. The doctor mentioned that it was one of the largest he had ever seen (of course it was). When I got out of anesthesia I told the doctor he was my best friend and when he told me my husband was there and that my husband was my best friend, I cried. I also woke up in the middle of the procedure and told the nurse that I would do her makeup. Anesthesia is such a strange medication.
It is still very hard to accept that blood on my hands but it is there no matter how many times I wash it. After having my babies I make it a point to inform women that it is a decision that will more than likely follow you for the rest of your life. It is something that can’t be taken back and that child cannot be replaced. I realized after having my babies that my babies were my babies from time of conception until the day I die.