Things have changed

You know, its been over a year since I’ve written on here and my life is nothing like it was and I’ve grown numb to all of the hits I have taken, but the good news is I am still able to appreciate the good.  My light is not gone and for that I am grateful.

Let me catch you up to speed strangers…

I am still going to school to become a nurse and I have less than a year to finish my prerequisites to apply to a nursing program in Houston.  My soon to be ex husband, the good and decent man that he was is gone.  I take part of the responsibility for why we didn’t work out.  I needed help throughout the marriage because of all the trauma in my life.  I needed a therapist and instead of working on my PTSD I didn’t, so I became hard.  He took the brunt of it and for that I am responsible, but the rest is out of my hands.

He wanted things to end when things were getting better and he got himself a girlfriend.  I didn’t care, and I still don’t care that he has a different one today.  He deserves to be happy, but his responsibilities as a father have gone out the window.  For what used to be a man so dedicated to his family is no more and the kids now have 3 hours a week on average with their father.

It says a lot about this man that when our daughter was in the hospital fighting for her life (from January to March of this year), he would leave her in the CVICU to sneak off and have sex with an old fling.  Fast forward to today, she is pregnant and due on his birthday.  For that I am not angry but in which the manner it happened repulses me.  I am supportive and often check on the status of her and the baby, and I am excited that my kids will have a sibling especially since I will not be having any more kids.

As for our original plan was that we would always be friends and that he would continue to support us until I am done with school in less than 3 years.  Again, that is out the window and he told me a few days before a very important cardiology appointment for my daughter (that determines if its time for her first actual open heart surgery) that he is no longer going to do that.  That his new plan is that I will now have to get a full time job and help support the kids financially even though I am unable to leave our daughter for more than 3 hours because of her feeding schedule.  But this is important to him because he wants to be able to live his life with his new girlfriend of 3 months.

I have learned a lot about my personal experience as well as my own moms.  I have learned that if you are married don’t EVER stop moving yourself forward.  If you ever have to get a divorce, the law is the law and fair or not it doesn’t matter.  It doesn’t matter how much time you have dedicated to your husband in making sure he reaches his goals.  It doesn’t matter how much time you have spent making sure your kids are properly taken care of.  It doesn’t matter if you always put yourself last, everything is written in black and white in divorce law.

In summation, not even this can hold me back from reaching my goal to one day become a nurse.  I have gone through so much with my children that this person will never get the best of me.  As for you, if you are married, don’t forget your responsibilities as a wife/mother and be the best you can, but set a goal for yourself and never lose sight of it.  One day this personal goal may be one of the reasons why you didn’t break when maybe you should have.

 

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Custom made hearts are more common than you think.

img_2883When I explain to anyone Eva’s medical issues, as soon as I mention heart surgery, the expression on their face seems to get more despondent .  There is so much of  a respect and fear for the heart that people tend to understand immediately how serious your child’s condition is if you mention they have a heart issue.  With that being said, I don’t think people know how common it is for children to be diagnosed with a heart condition.  For example I have 2 childhood friends that both have children who also had complicated heart surgeries (one just a few days ago) at a young age. Because of the complex properties of the heart, all three of our children have had different interventions and thank God all three of them are doing well.

As I was driving today to visit one of those friends (mentioned previously) at the hospital so I could finally meet their little one after he just had open heart surgery, I almost turned around a few times because my anxiety of it all almost took control of me.  The emotions I felt were taking me back to when Eva was having heart surgery herself and my sadness overcame me.  It was overwhelming, but I followed through and I am so glad I did.  It was nice to see how incredible her son was doing and to put a face with the many, many, many prayers I sent up for him.  I was also reminded how much I want to go to nursing school.  I don’t think I ever felt so passionately about a career choice than this.

Watching my friend, a new mom, experience something that most parents will never have to deal with, (i.e. the extended hospital stay, cords tangling, monitors beeping, Doctors and nurses being obnoxiously loud in the room where your baby is trying to nap through the pain, X-rays, echos, sutures from a fresh open wound) makes me realize how truly hand picked we are for these very difficult times.  We have to hand over our child to a surgeon to cut them open and repair a heart you grew yourself, you have to let nurses watch over your child and hope they don’t miss any red flags and we have to trust God that his plan is one that shows mercy to your child.  After an experience like that you learn to appreciate your boring, repetitive life at home, as ridiculous as it sounds.

As I left the hospital I went into an elevator with a kid (maybe in his 20’s) that had a artificial heart in a backpack.  Want to talk about putting things into perspective.  I wanted so badly to talk to him because I am 100% sure most people are intimidated by his situation but all I got out of my mouth was, “have a good day”.  I was so disappointed in myself because I wanted to tell him how amazing and special he is because he lives in an time where his unusual circumstances allows him to walk, talk and live!  All I can think is God has such a purpose for him and all of our children.  Especially our children that require medical attention who also live in a time where these medical advances have allowed them to live a longer life, and they wouldn’t necessarily have had that option, just 50 years ago.

I am so grateful for Eva and her experiences, because while she went through them physically, I went through the same experiences but on an emotional level and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.  I have become stronger, more aggressive (especially in situations where I need to be for my children) and at the same time softer.  I have adapted to situations where some people think is impossible to overcome.  You never know what you can survive from until after the dust settles.