Sometimes it is OK to cry… in the shower.

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I knew I needed a photo of today of just us, my love.

As I took a shower tonight I had to remind myself that it was ok to cry before I actually did.  I should start by saying it was a long day, and if you want to include from the start of my concern for Eidan, then we can say its been a long month.

To begin, by niece has type 1 diabetes so it has been in my life for 17 years now, so when Eidan started peeing more than usual at night in bed, I started to worry.  He has been waking up in the morning with the front of his shirt, his pants, and his bed soaked with pee.  His tantrums  also seem to come to a complete stop when I give him something to drink, telling me that he is more thirsty than normal so I made an appointment with the doctor a few weeks ago, but then I cancelled it because I thought I may have been reading into it too much.

More recently, my mom and my husband got to see and feel what I was talking about and they concluded that yes, it was a considerable amount.  So today was the actual doctors appointment and as soon as we got into the room he was fighting everyone for the first hour of vitals (including the blood work and placement of the pee bag).  The second hour he would only sit in my lap and watch videos on my phone, while we waited for him to pee in the bag.  The third hour was us walking around in the green grass trying to initiate the pee that we had been waiting for, for three hours already until it finally came.  The whole morning I was nauseous at the thought anything being wrong with my son, and by the end of the appointment, I was hungry and I had to get home to feed Eva through her g-tube, and make something for Eidan.

When we got home I got some confusing results from the nurse… first, his blood sugars from his urine was a bit high, but after I mentioned that he had just ate right before he peed in the bag, so that number was ok, then I got another call telling me that he needed to see a endocrine specialist, on top of the urology doctor because they were just a little concerned with another number (I can’t recall the name because I was in a daze because I though he was just cleared).

I can’t exactly express how I feel because I don’t know how to feel, other than I was prepared for Eva’s issues but I can’t say I am prepared for this… I don’t even know if this is a “this” yet.  But I can tell you that after my shower and my long cry I felt absolutely chosen for these two children.  Despite any more bumps in the road that we may have, no matter how many more shower cries I have from now on (whether this situation is a problem or not), I don’t care how “hard” my life may be, I can say one thing for sure… I can’t do shit without God, period.

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Many firsts for our first year together.

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Bonding through biting.
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Bonding with kisses and playing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I forgot to mention in my previous posts that everything we went through from July 2014 (two months before I gave birth) until May 2015 (when the twins were 8 months old) we lived at my husbands grandmothers home (his grandmother was awesome to us, she helped us out when we were at our lowest and we are truly indebted to her).  We lived in a small room where I did everything in, and I mean everything in there.  I made it my own home.  If I left the room, I literally ran to the kitchen when the twins were taking a nap.  The first time I actually decided to leave them for more than two minutes, I went for a walk  around the neighborhood while Josh watched them, and that is when Eva decided to do her first roll over.  I think at that moment I realized she was totally daddy’s girl, and still is.

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Our room/home/living room/bedrooms/dining room at grandma’s.
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In our own home… the living room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By the time we left to our own home we were able to stretch our legs and Eidan finally got to perfect his crawling.  Eventually Eva figured it out too and this is when things began to get REAL!  They were tag teaming me every chance they had, and they still do.  After a few months of living in our own home Eva’s most amazing nurse moved away.  She was with us for a few months and I trusted her with all my heart.  We tried another nurse but it didn’t work out and something told me I could do it on my own and I have never looked back since.  I get to watch them grow before my very eyes and see them process and learn something new everyday.  Eva does however still have physical therapy and occupational therapy that comes twice a week, and thank God for their help.  I think the gap between Eidan and Eva’s physical achievements would be much bigger if we didn’t have therapists for her.  You need to know the edema she has on her feet is substantial and she’s figuring out how to walk on rounded, instead of flat feet.  It will get better as she grows but until then she has her own way and it is absolutely impressive to watch.  She is unbelievable.  Eidan also it truly something to watch as well.  His strength is remarkable, like a little ant. Im pretty sure by next year he will be able to lift me up with no problem at all.

 

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Eva learning how to crawl.     
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Eidan perfecting his crawl.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Honestly, I always worried about the babies loosing their twin bond because of how long they were separated but after Eva returning home after her second heart surgery, the look they gave each other eased my worries.  Since then their twin bond has grown exponentially.  For example they both move at the same time, multiple times throughout the night… and they sleep in separate rooms with their own sound machine.  They also have developed their own language that is still growing everyday, leaving me out of the loop.  I sometimes wonder if I had had them separately would they have been better off because I would have been able to give them more one on one attention.  After months of really reflecting on it, I know their bond is more important.  I think Eidan pushes Eva more than I ever could so I set time apart when one is asleep and the other is up to give them the special love and attention I think they need on an individual level.  Thank God for His wonderful plan and intricate tests for us all.  Not only am I thankful for our twins, I also know I could not have gone through this experience with my sanity intact with anyone other than my husband.

 

 

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Our first Christmas together.
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Our first Halloween together.