Does it ever get easier?

As a mother with a child with special needs, I have to know now, does it ever get easier?  I can handle the medications, I can handle the therapies that come six times a week, I can handle the spoiled behavior that she learned being in the NICU for the first five months of her life, and the same spoiled behavior fifteen months after being discharged… shoot, I can handle both babies having a breakdown at the same time now.  The one thing that I can’t handle is the surgeries… I can’t handle the weeks prior, I can’t handle the week before, I can’t handle the day before, let alone the day of surgery.

I think I’m always fine but my anxiety manifests in ways my mind can’t control.  Physically the stress takes over my body.  All of a sudden theres something sitting on my chest, preventing me from taking a complete breath.  Just as abruptly my eyes fill with tears, I start making an ugly cry face and I can’t stop from sobbing, not to mention to hide that from the twins is a challenge, God forbid they see my ugly cry face.  Thats something you can’t forget.

I try to keep busy to prevent myself from imagining the “what ifs”.  Leaving me in a state of panic every time I think of it because every surgery comes with complications… of course it does, why wouldn’t it?  Your going under anesthesia, your getting cut open, in this case theres going to be a foreign object put inside, theres the hope that the surgery fixed the problem, theres the pain, and the recovery which is the hardest part.  Theres also the fact that all this stress is put on my 20 month old daughter.

Is she used to it by now?  This is her fifth surgery, her fifth in her 20 months here on earth.  Her two heart surgeries, the fundoplication/g-tube surgery, the surgery to remove her cystic hygroma and now the surgery to fix her fundoplication and repair her hiatal hernia.  Every one just as stressful as the last because her syndrome makes things a bit more complicated for the doctor.  Every one leaves me just as brokenhearted as the last because I can’t do anything to take her pain away.  Every single one leaving me more distressed than the last because as I get to know her better and as I watch her grow and learn and persevere despite the odds it gets harder to know life isn’t promised for anyone of us, including my children.

So should I be used to it now?  Could I ever get used to it?  Will we be able to go for longer than a year with out a surgery?  How about five years? ten? twenty?  Will she be able to live a “normal” life with out having another surgery right around the corner?  We won’t ever know ahead of time, but I can say it is an honor to be the mom of a very special set of twins.  I pray that they always strive to give glory to God and are able to see the positive of everything that happens in their lives, despite how difficult it may seem at the time.  I pray they always take care of one another and love each other unconditionally, and I hope with all my heart that they learn to show their affection more kindly.  For example, I hope Eidan learns to hug his sister more gently, instead of pinning her down on the ground and I hope Eva learns to use a softer hand and touch her brothers head, instead of hitting it with all she’s got.  Theres no doubt they are fighters, in every sense of the word.  Amen.

 

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Abortion, Miscarriages to Pro-life

ABORTION

I had an abortion.  That never gets easier to say and it never will.  I had an abortion long before finding out that I had a uterus that would not allow me to carry any child over the first trimester.  I found out this somber news in North Carolina after having a total of 3 miscarriages.  I made a choice to terminate a pregnancy that would have ultimately terminated itself.  That is a hard pill to swallow.

MISSCARRIAGES

Was God angry at me?  Was this punishment for my abortion?  Those were the thoughts I had after every miscarriage.  Every time we told people we were pregnant, we soon after had to tell them that we had a miscarriage.  Holy crap, the look of pity from the army wives that heard from the grapevine was just terrible.  It was almost embarrassing for me sometimes because I felt like I am a woman, I should be able to do this but I couldn’t do the one thing women are supposed to do.

I still don’t think I am completely over it.  The last miscarriage I had was right before Josh deployed and I suffered in silence.  I was so far away from my family and friends, but because of the distance I felt like they didn’t know me anymore, hell I didn’t know myself.  The one person I wanted or could talk to was on a dangerous deployment and I was so scared that I prepared myself (as much as I could) for him not coming home.  I was in a miserable place that a piece of me still lives in.

SURGERY

The surgery (uterine septum removal) that was September 2013 (one year exactly before the babies were born) allowed me to get pregnant after all of these heart breaking miscarriages. It basically removed a large septum in my uterus that did not allow the babies to grow and receive the nutrients they needed to survive.  The doctor mentioned that it was one of the largest he had ever seen (of course it was).  When I got out of anesthesia I told the doctor he was my best friend and when he told me my husband was there and that my husband was my best friend, I cried.  I also woke up in the middle of the procedure and told the nurse that I would do her makeup.  Anesthesia is such a strange medication.

PROLIFE

It is still very hard to accept that blood on my hands but it is there no matter how many times I wash it.  After having my babies I make it a point to inform women that it is a decision that will more than likely follow you for the rest of your life.  It is something that can’t be taken back and that child cannot be replaced.  I realized after having my babies that my babies were my babies from time of conception until the day I die.