I had an abortion. That never gets easier to say and it never will. I had an abortion long before finding out that I had a uterus that would not allow me to carry any child over the first trimester. I found out this somber news in North Carolina after having a total of 3 miscarriages. I made a choice to terminate a pregnancy that would have ultimately terminated itself. That is a hard pill to swallow.
Was God angry at me? Was this punishment for my abortion? Those were the thoughts I had after every miscarriage. Every time we told people we were pregnant, we soon after had to tell them that we had a miscarriage. Holy crap, the look of pity from the army wives that heard from the grapevine was just terrible. It was almost embarrassing for me sometimes because I felt like I am a woman, I should be able to do this but I couldn’t do the one thing women are supposed to do.
I still don’t think I am completely over it. The last miscarriage I had was right before Josh deployed and I suffered in silence. I was so far away from my family and friends, but because of the distance I felt like they didn’t know me anymore, hell I didn’t know myself. The one person I wanted or could talk to was on a dangerous deployment and I was so scared that I prepared myself (as much as I could) for him not coming home. I was in a miserable place that a piece of me still lives in.
The surgery (uterine septum removal) that was September 2013 (one year exactly before the babies were born) allowed me to get pregnant after all of these heart breaking miscarriages. It basically removed a large septum in my uterus that did not allow the babies to grow and receive the nutrients they needed to survive. The doctor mentioned that it was one of the largest he had ever seen (of course it was). When I got out of anesthesia I told the doctor he was my best friend and when he told me my husband was there and that my husband was my best friend, I cried. I also woke up in the middle of the procedure and told the nurse that I would do her makeup. Anesthesia is such a strange medication.
It is still very hard to accept that blood on my hands but it is there no matter how many times I wash it. After having my babies I make it a point to inform women that it is a decision that will more than likely follow you for the rest of your life. It is something that can’t be taken back and that child cannot be replaced. I realized after having my babies that my babies were my babies from time of conception until the day I die.